E! Presents: Nintendo's True Hollywood Story
by Skye phoenix
Summary: Witness the twists, shocks and turns in the lives of beloved Nintendo characters as they tell us all about the highs and lows of their lives! I hope you enjoy this alot and thank you for reading!
1. The Pikachu Story

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E! Presents!

Nintendo's True Hollywood Story

The Pikachu Story

HOW IT ALL STARTED

'Hi, I'm Pikachu, welcome to the first episode of the Nintendo story, this is my true Hollywood story, so listen y'all or I'll bust a bolt up in yo' ass!

I first started working with Nintendo in the 90's, They offered me a role in a game called Pokemon, I took the role because I needed the money because my Pokeblock Dealer was threatening to metronome my ass all the way back to the NES days If I didn't pay her back, What can I say? A pissed off Clefairy isn't a pretty sight to behold. At first I thought it was a one game deal but suddenly it became popular, people actually knew who I was! Who'd have thunk it? Some punk from the Ghettos of Kanto making it to the big time!

After the Success of Red/Blue I got offered a TV Show, I'm not really into my acting but as soon as Misty walked onto the scene I was like 'Woooo! I'd give her a jolt or two if you know what I mean!' So we started the series which was a run away success, I was famous all around the world, I was hanging out with 50 Cent and P Diddy and had relationships with a few ladies (I tell you Britney had it going OOON! Back then!)

Life couldn't be better; I was rich, famous and had a selection of the finest asses in Hollywood! I just couldn't see anything going wrong…'

PROBLEMS ARISING

'After the success of Pokemon Red/Blue/Yellow and the TV Series, It was certain that we would be getting a sequel but problems began arising when Nintendo created new Pokemon and a new country. Kanto Pokemon were being left out and misrepresented. Only a handful of us were ACTUALLY in the game and I was no longer the main star! I was pissed off, I went off the rails for a few months and hit rock bottom when I was caught in a Jynx Brothel. What can I say? A brother needs some T&A!

Even though my game Career was heading down the crap pan, My TV career was going from strength to strength and I even starred in the Pokemon films, all three films were huge successes but after that they started to go straight to DVD! After the films the Pokemon craze started to die down, the TV show became less popular and was taken of terrestrial TV, We got relegated to Cartoon Network. Me and my brother from another mother Ash lost the spirit after that and Misty left the show a disgrace after she crashed her car in L.A and was arrested for DUI and substance abuse, what can I say? If you gonna work as hard as she did you're gonna wig out and pull a Lindsay Lohan someday or another.

While the TV series died down, the games were popular then ever, we were on the third generation of games and my role was made smaller once again, I was relegated to the freakin' Safari Zone! You might as well send me to an Old folk's home and pull the life support!

Life was grim, I lost the will to live for a while and I hit the headlines when I tried to O.D on Pokeblocks. A Jigglypuff found me and nursed me back to health and gave me the will to live again, we started dating and I became a huge star again. We got loads of magazine deals and Photoshoots, We were known as Jigglychu and we became richer then anything. Life was great, not even my reduced roles in the games could bring me down…'

WHERE IT ALL WENT TO HELL

People started to become sick of us after a while and Nintendo started to doubt my sanity after making a frenzied appearance on Oprah and Converting to a religion called Scythertology. My credibility was compromised and I could tell that Nintendo wanted to get rid of me but I was still a fan favourite.

When the fourth generation game (Diamond/Pearl) was released the came up with a plan to make people forget about me by creating a Pokemon , His name was Lucario. People fell in love with him instantly and Nintendo gave him his own film!

With a new mascot Nintendo fired me, I was angry but the news that Jigglypuff was pregnant made me happy….untill the birth. Jigglypuff gave birth to a Riolu, she was sleeping with Lucario! Jigglychu was no more, but Lucapuff began.

Without Jigglypuff my life was ruined I slipped back into my old addiction of Pokeblocks and began getting into gangs. I joined a gang of Pokemon Gangsters called 'The Masta Ballerz' who was lead by a ruthless Persian.

Life with the gang was good; I was flying high from Pokeblocks and getting my selection from the finest Pokeho's in the land! One night when I was stumbling back to my penthouse in Celadon City, I saw that punk ass bitch Lucario getting out of a limo with Jigglypuff, I was suffering from Pokerage from the Pokeblocks at the time and before I knew what was happening I stabbed and killed Lucario, I know what you are thinking…Not cool!

Everything became a nightmare and I ended up being caught on tape running from a squad of Officer Jennies. I was arrested for Pokemurder and my future was looking Grim until I miraculously got off on a technicality called the 'PO.J Defense'.

A SECOND CHANCE

The media spotlight on the trial gave me a lot of press and everyone wanted to know my story, I released a Biography which was listed on the Viridian City times' Best Seller list. I was getting offers from a lot of places as well, mainly Dancing with the stars, I'm a celebrity Get me out of here, Strictly Come Dancing and Celebrity Big Brother. But hey, it's a start!

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NEXT TIME

On the next instalment prepare to be amazed by the True Hollywood story of Link and Zelda! Find out about Link's and Zelda's relationship and discover the truth about 'That' Tape 'A knight in Zelda'!


	2. The Link and Zelda Story

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E! Presents!

Nintendo's True Hollywood Story

The Link and Zelda Story

HOW IT ALL STARTED

LINK

In the late eighties I was contacted by Nintendo to star in this big epic game, they described it as 'Lord of the rings without that annoying twat Elijah Wood' So I accepted, I was in a band called Northern Vine but we sucked our biggest chart success was a single that reached number 13 on the Hyrule charts. So I left the band and decided to give gaming a go. It was a pretty simple job, I played some mute hero who had to save a babe from this guy called Ganon…Ganondorf?...Whatever

ZELDA

My story was similar, you see I'm an heiress to the thrown and a chain of fancy hotels in Hyrule, I also had a failed pop career (My first single 'Sheikahs are blind' didn't even make it on any charts!). I tried acting for a while and even had my own show with Princess Peach where I actually WORKED for a living; it was scandalous and so amazing. After a while I quit music and acting because I was bored and Nintendo offered me the role of the Damsel in distress in a game that would be entitled after me, I was so like, honoured so I totally accepted!

LINK

We started work on the game and it was surprisingly hard, I had to remember to 'AHH' 'Grr' and 'WAH!' at certain times it was trying work I tell you! But working with Zelda made it worth you know, she was hotter then a playboy spread of Lara Croft!

ZELDA

The Legend of Zelda was hugely successful, and we were like stars!

LINK

Yeah I was even given a recording contract, I worked with Timbaland on an album called 'Future/Hex/Bow/Triforce' the album was a rampant success and my single stayed on top of the chart for 16 weeks (Shove your umbrella up your ass Rihanna, You Bitch!). Here is a clip of the single.

'I'm bringing muteness back  
Ganondorf don't know how to act  
I think it's special... what's in my bag  
So turn around and don't look you cheating hag

Zelda, Lemme see what you're working with  
Look at those hips  
Make me smile  
Go 'head bitch and get your sexy on

I'm bringin' muteness back  
Them other fuckers don't know how to act  
Girl let me make up for all the things you lack  
Because you're burning up I've got to do it fast!

Dirty Sheik  
You see these shackles baby I've been here a week  
I'll let you whip me if I misbehave  
It's just that no one makes me feel this way

Zelda, lemme see what you're working with  
Look at those hips  
Make me smile  
Go 'head bitch and get your sexy on

I'm bringin' muteness back  
you Gerudo fuckers watch how I attack  
If that's your girl, baby watch your back  
Cuz I'm burning you and that's a fact'

THE EFFECTS OF FAME?

ZELDA

After a while the sequel to Legend of Zelda was released. I personally was not a fan of this game since my acting range only extended to that of a freakin' comatose patient. The Adventure of Link wasn't as successful as the previous game so the developers took ages making the new game, so in order to pay the rent Link and I had to take other jobs.

LINK

Disney offered us both the lead roles in a film they were making called 'Hyrule Musical'. Hyrule Musical was really successful and we became huge stars. But the fame came with a cost, we were constantly hounded by the tabloids and rumours were made to suggest we were together. After a while we said screw it and decided to go out.

ZELDA

And so, Zink was born!

LINK

After 'A link to the Past' was released our relationship started to become rocky.

ZELDA

I started feeling overworked and depressed so I started to drink Lon Lon Milk, I was drinking around 6 bottles a day and I was regularly drunk, plus I started hanging out in L.A with Princess Peach and Daisy. We were photographed regularly stumbling out of nightclubs and flashing our assets at the paparazzi. The worst came from one occasion when I acidently showed the Paparazzi my own 'Triforce' within minutes those pictures gained millions of hits on Yahoo. I was also being regularly 'googled' I don't know what that means but it sounds positively filthy!

I hit Rock Bottom when my maid Inga betrayed me and stole a secret video tape from me, she sold it to a video company and they released it as 'A Knight in Zelda'. Don't look at me like that, me and Link had hit the Hyrule Marketplace and drunk lots of Lon Lon Milk and we thought 'Hey! Let's try something new!'

LINK

Unfortunately the press had turned on Zelda and blamed her for the tape instead of me, this lead to Nintendo making a game without Zelda, this game 'Link's Awakening' starred a girl named Marin…

ZELDA

She was an utter skank! That bitch was desperate for fame and she adopted kids from all around Hyrule like they were frickin' Barbie Dolls!

LINK

With Zelda's problems, I became stressed and getting away from Hyrule to make Link's Awakening was just what I needed. Marin was really nice and supportive and she really helped me out a lot…

ZELDA

Yeah getting in and out of his tunic mostly…

LINK

While doing Link's Awakening, Zelda checked herself into a Rehab Clinic in Death Mountain.

ZELDA

While Lusty Link here was taking that 'Sex on the beach' song all too literally with Little Miss STD. I was battling Inner Demons and ridding myself of my addictions…

LINK

Yeah she pansied around in a clinic while I was battling REAL demons.

ZELDA

When Link finished work on the new game, I checked out of the clinic a new woman. However our relationship became strained due to the fact Link over there couldn't keep his penis under control.

LINK

We tried to carry on as normal but we couldn't, we never talked and the sex was horrific.

ZELDA

Yeah, let's just say Link's Mastersword was more like a butter knife in bed and a rusted one at that!

LINK

We broke up a few months later.

RECONCILLIATION

LINK

Work became really tough; it was hard to work with somebody who was you ex and the Princess of your world.

ZELDA

We soldiered on however and released a few more games, our careers were going strong but I thought the spark had gone; I no longer enjoyed my fame without Link.

LINK

Really? Me too!

ZELDA

Oh Link, why did you never say before?

LINK

I don't know, but I love you more then Marin and Lara Croft combined. Will you marry me?

ZELDA

Oh Link yes!

LINK

Great! I'll get Gannondorf ordained and rent an Elvis Suit while you find a white Chapel in Vegas!

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And with that final and seemingly out of the blue remark, we end our story of Link and Zelda. Tune in for the next instalment when we find out all about Samus Aran!

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	3. The Donkey Kong Story

We are sorry to say that Samus Aran's Story has been cancelled due to her recent breakthrough pop career, she has had to go on tour, please check out the details of her 'Girl's just wanna have guns' tour at In Samus Aran's absence we have secured the one and only……..Donkey Kong!!!!

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E! Presents!

Nintendo's True Hollywood Story

The Donkey Kong Story

HOW IT ALL STARTED

Hey this is Donkey Kong, AKA D.K AKA Donye Kest AKA Fiddy Bananas AKA D. Kiddy AKA the Maintenance dodger (what can I say? The ho's love the Kong….in both senses of the word!) . Before Nintendo came along, I was a struggling rapper living in a tough neighborhood nicknamed '8 Vines'. I took part in some rap battles and a little petty crime, but what could I do? An ape's gotta get paid!

Anyway, Nintendo offered me a role in a game called Donkey Kong, I said yes since I hadn't earned enough bananas to pay the ho's maintenance. I didn't really like the role, I was cast as a mad ass ape who kidnaps some fugly bitch from some random ass Italian plumber who was called 'Jumpman' What the fuck kinda name is that!? If I was him I'd have popped a cap in my momma's ass! Worse still, all I had to do was throw some barrels at him, talk about stereotyping!

The game sold like wildfire and 'Jumpman' became a star, he even got a real name, his own game and a princess to be his bitch! This ape was not pleased, I got no recognition and I was relegated to cheap ass cameos in sucky boxing games!

Luckily everything was about to change.

D.K GETS HIS OWN COUNTRY

I was offered my own game, 'Donkey Kong Country' and I was finally a hero in my own game (which was way better then that bitch Mario's game). I even got a side kick, but if truth be told he was kinda retarded, when I first saw him I thought he was gonna be screaming 'Timmy!' at me throughout the game.

Even though Timmy Kong…Diddy….who cares? Was in the game it was still a huge success I was mega famous and finally I got my chance to rap! Here was my first single!

'H-H-H...Here we go!

So I'm finally here, performing for you

If you know the words, you can join in too

Put your hands together if you want to clap

As we take you through this fun-ky rap! HUH!

D. K.! Donkey Kong!

I'm the leader of the bunch. You know me good

I came from the ghetto jungle hood!

My Uzi can fire in spurts

If I shoots ya, it's gonna hurt!

I'm bigger! Faster ! and stronger too!

I'm the first member of the DK crew!

D. K.! Donkey Kong! HEY!

D. K.! Donkey Kong is here!

My bitch got style, so listen up dudes!

She changes the name of her baby's daddy to suit her mood!

She's quick n' nimble when she has purses to fillz!

She's a bigger gold digger then Heather Mills!

If you choose her, you won't choose wrong

With a pole and a banana, she's ONE SLUTTY KONG!

D. K.! Donkey Kong!

Diddy has no style, he has no grace

This Kong...has a fucking retarded face

He can shout out 'Diddy!' when he wants to

And stretch his wheelchair out just for you!

He annoys me just like that Mario twat

This retarded Kong has a crappy hat!

D. K.! (D. K.!) Donkey Kong!

D. K.! (D. K.!) Donkey Kong is here!

Fi-nal-ly, Cranky's here for you!

It's the LAST member of the D. K. crew!

This Kong's...so old, it isn't funny!

Can make anyone cry out 'Fucking hell it's a Mummy!'

He's gets real angry and he likes to vent

He's been shot more times then 50 Cent!

D. K.! (D. K.!) Donkey Kong!

D. K.! (D. K.!) Donkey Kong is here!'

The Single was a huge bomb; I became a joke and lost my popularity. Nintendo decided I was no longer fit for the lead role of Donkey Kong Country, so it went to that inbred freak Diddy. He became popular while I was reduced to staring in Super Smash Bros, It's a decent gig but I miss my country, y'know?

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Next time on E! Nintendos True Hollywood Story, we talk to Kirby, We'll discuss the prejudice he has faced over his pinkness and ask if those rumours about the rent boys are true! 


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